Is it Me, is it Nanny’s World - Or Just a Spot of Sanitary Protection?

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Badge of Shame and an Institutional Cane

Hi folks! just a quicky to let you know where I'm at. As you may know; as well as writing the storyline for the new book I am also collaborating with a computer-graphic artist on the production of a suitable series of graphics with which to illustrate said work. Actually, going beyond the scope of the graphic work, our correspondence has been fruitful in other ways; for example in the inspiration I have derived from the interchange of ideas which has actually led to new dimensions opening up in terms of the story-arc. I can't say too much at this stage for fear of giving too much away, but suffice it to say that recently we have been discussing the intriguing subject of non-corporal punishments, inspired largely by a work I have featured before on this blog, namely 'The Female Disciplinary Manual” by one Regina Snow (I hope I have got that right – I am in a pub with out access to my usual sources of reference). Right at this moment I am hard at work on the design for a badge to grace the baggy institutional pyjamas that I have previously described my heroine having been put . Although I have in the past mocked up a sort of faux school uniform badge thing featuring the clasic crossed crook-handled canes and open textbook, both for the uniforms of the girls in the schoolroom unit and for the uniform that Lavinia's aunt used to make her wear before coming to the unit, (you should be able to find this in the blog archive with a little poking about – I can't quite recall the date right at this moment)' I don't have a design suitable for this particular use. It's important to the storyline that any design featurs the hospital's crest (which I have yet to give much thought to – any ideas, folks?) the girl's patient number, the word 'patient', the name of the hospital and the all-important words “secure psychiatric unit”. I downloaded a series of suitable images I can utilise to knock something up before coming out, and having stashed them on a data stick I will be working away on it while downing a couple of pints (who am I kidding? A load of pints). The pics are a couple I came across this morning in my collection while rummaging for inspiration and originated, I think, from Janus magazine...Enjoy.

News, Views and Prison-Bar Blues

Do you remember the exciting news I said I was going to share with you? Well, last week I signed an agreement with an online electronic publisher which should result in INSTITUTIONALISED volume 1 becoming available in the various ebook formats, including Kindle, iphone, ipad and the rest! In addition it is likely to become more widely distributed and therefore more visible to search engines and thus to potential readers. Regular readers of this blog will be all too familiar with my bemoaning my poor choice of title which has led to the book's existence being well nigh impervious to disclosure by way of the usual array of spanking / discipline / uniform fetish / clinical-institutional bondage and restraint - type keywords. It's far too soon to say any more, but I'll keep you posted. If all goes well, both INSTITUTIONALISED volume 2 and the new volume, when I finally get the thing finished, may well follow suite - of course depending on their suitability as judged by the publisher. As for the new volume: it's been gradually evolving from a quick, short piece - designed both to utilise previously written material that wasn't finished in time for inclusion in the first two volumes and to fill in the gaps in the story arc so as to pave the way for volume 3 – to masterwork of near epic proportions. As for the latest on volume 2: Thanks to a little help from Lulu (at last) it has now been assigned one of my block of ten ISBNs and so later today I shall be submitting it for inclusion in Google's Book Search scheme, including all the modifications I have made to it with the aim of so called ‘search engine optimisation. One proviso is that I’ll am apparently going to have to modify the back cover to include the ISBN. If I am going to do that I may take the opportunity to change the background colour to match that of the front cover and spine . I'll see how much work it is going to entail offset against what is a minor cosmetic advantage at best – it all depends on whether I still have the background available as a separate layer.

Now for some other news: I have just added a link to a guy called Doug Adams’ home page in the ‘Useful Resources’ list (see right hand side bar or click on ‘Doug Adams’ home page’, above highlighted in blue – I hope ). Look in the left hand side bar in his index page for a list of content, including articles on all sorts of fetish-related subjects, many of which have relevance - either directly or indirectly – to my present project or at least are potentially inspirational. Scroll to the bottom and you will also find a free image gallery, which again I have found inspirational.

I have also added two new blogs I came across just now while searching for more inspiration for the new volume to the blog list (situated in the right hand side bar, if you're new here). Schoolgirl Spanking Stories does exactly what it says on the tin – click on blog name to visit or check side bar.

The second, Pandora Blake's blog, is written by, and deals with, the star of many short films revolving around our favourite genre – which is my excuse to present a little promo film (moving content no less!) from those master's of the Institutional / prison punishment scene – Bars and Stripes! (See window immediately above, click on arrow to play) I have mentioned their work previously - well before my recent signing to their affiliate program – as they are one of only a few purveyors of such material that regularly feature my all time favourite scenario: The smartly uniformed nurse, ward sister or matron – all tight-belted blue polyester, cambric or cotton and starched white apron - wielding a cane or strap across the defenceless chubby backside of some young female incorrigible miscreant against the backdrop of a secure institution. Enough already – it's getting all too exciting…Bye for now – I have to go close the curtains!

How Might She Punish Herself: A Random Thought for the Day

A random thought brought about by working on the new book and through an email correspondence: The idea of the victim having to train their tormentor is potentially interesting in the extreme. In a way this could be a secondary matter - for example; if through some weakness of will our young heroine might allow her tormentor some sort of insight into her subconscious that might then in turn be used against her to extract yet more information. Then again, consider this: How about a trainee nurse been placed in charge of our suffering young woman, who in turn has been instructed by her nemesis - the young woman psychiatrist under who’s strict disciplinary ‘care’ she bristles – that she must lead the nurse, step-by-step, through some humiliating procedure being carried out on her person. The trainee nurse will then be tested and any failure in her knowledge paid for by several strokes of the cane – but not laid across the nurse’s backside, but rather across our hapless patient’s bottom.

Then again, perhaps the caning might even be carried out by the trainee nurse herself - the patient having to explain exactly how she should be caned, the number of strokes the doctor would expect to see awarded under those particular circumstances - that sort of thing – and all under threat of yet more punishment to come should the trainee nurse then not carry out the caning to the doctor's satisfaction.

Actually this point is quite interesting in itself as it might well be used as a lever by the doctor to overcome any reluctance on the trainee nurse's part to inflict a sufficiently severe caning. After all is said and done; should the trainee feel any sympathy for the patient - and alter in any way the procedure dictated for the punishment - then ironically all she will have succeeded in doing is to earn the subject of her sympathy an even more severe, repeated punishment. What do you folks think? Hmmm?

Our Institution Girl: Should We Put Her Back in Nappies?

It's the great Wetherspoons real ale festival - and my favorite pub-chain has 50 different brews up for grabs and spread across its various branches, Consequently, having finished my driving lesson for the day - and requiring a quiet spot in which to set up my traveling office and knock out a little bit of suitably inspired prose - I have come to rest in the 'Alfred Herring', Palmers Green. Only it is anything but quiet - in addition to the usual betting-shop escapees a, drunks (I do include myself - I'm not that hypercritical) and assorted crazies (the same proviso applies) the place seems packed to the rafters with the populace of the various offices that nestle above (and sometimes, alongside) the rather dowdy local shops : brain-dead 'nail technicians' and 'stylists' giggle over nothing in particular and jostle for territory with a 'deception' of estate-agents (real-estate agents, for those State-side) here and an 'apology' of financial advisers, there (I've no idea what you lot across 'The Pond' call them - but I imagine you have 'em there). As for 'yours truly' I shall momentarily be embarking on extending and embellishing a chapter that I have provisionally named 'Sparrows in the Window and Bats in the Attic' and in which I am currently working through a scene in which our hapless heroine in her baggy institutional stripy pyjamas is put to the test - or rather her mental health is...Well just what should she choose to do- should she accept the gift of a soft pink-furred teddy bear, a terry-toweling nappy, flounced hospital-issue plastic pants (knickers) in exchange for the life of her little birdie companion...or refuse and effectively place herself in an even greater perfection of seclusion...It's a diabolical little quandary - and the biting sting of the implacable psychiatrist's leather belt across her bare behind, as always, is there to spur her co-operation, which ever path she might choose. Considering, then, the pivotal role played by a simple soft toy (and I can give no more away at this stage) and a pair of plastic pants, it is all the more coincidental that only this morning I blundered upon the the little bit of art presented above; I came across it on an old backup CD while searching for something completely unconnected and have no idea of its origin. It's a lovely little image though, whatever its origin - near perfectly evocative of our little mind-controlled trollop.

Yet More Pyjama Spanking - And Even a Hint of Enforced Weight-Gain

Hi folks! I'm working from home today, I have to get uploaded the substantial backlog of work that I have scribbled down in my trusty notebook wall in various pubs over the last week or so. It's true that thanks to my little netebook computer that I now habitually carry around with me, quite a lot of work already exists in various files. But the thing's battery life is limited whilst my appetite for ales not quite so and I still end up scribbling copious notes. I'm still working on the cupcake thing that follows on from the initial interview / interrogation scene which in turn is the part that involves our heroine being put in shapeless stripey institutional pyjamas, which - to turn full circle -play an interesting pivotal role in the cupcake scene.

Actually, it has been surprising just how much interest there has been in the whole pyjama concept and so, thanks to an anonymous contributor who wrote to tip me off, I have today added a link in the sidebar blog list to 'Girls Pyjama Spanking'. I couldn't resist taking a quick gander and found it to be a fascinating blog, the most recent posting featuring a marvellous little photo set based around a delectable little thing called Kami Robertson. Needless to say I also couldn't resist having a quick Google around her name looking for more examples and of course I got sidetracked, but in so doing was led to the work of an artist that I hadn't come across before called Kami Tora, see the art work above left - just click on it to see more of his work or look out for the link in the 'Useful Resources' section of the right-hand sidebar. Of course I then had to Google for a bit more of this artist's work which in turn lead to yet another diversion and the evocative little photo, below on the right - I have yet to visit the site it originated from - WWW.nurse-helena.fr - in fact I dare not as I just know that I would get totally sidetracked and get absolutely nothing done for the rest of the day.

So from this point all it's back to the grindstone, although it is not all been frivolous Web surfing today. To go back to the 'Girls Pyjama Spanking' blog again, just for the moment; I came across a comment posted by blog's writer as regards the featured pyjama-clad girl saying something along the lines of how, despite one particular pair looking perhaps a little large on her, nevertheless once the girl was bent over her " perfectly round bum filled them gloriously ". Of course the depicted pyjamas are nothing like the baggy shapeless green and white stripey institutional things I envisage our heroine, in but it was that bit about her bum filling them that " gloriously" that got me thinking. There is a similarity to a certain piece of dialogue that I've been working on over the last couple of days, just something that the institution's psychiatrist mentions about wanting to see the girl in her charge " fill out those pyjamas". I've been thinking that what with the girl only possessing that one pair that the doctor has given her and being confined either to the doctor's office - where she is questioned day in day out - or the little room that leads off of it, with the minimal facilities that implies, several weeks or perhaps a couple of months in to her residency those pyjamas are unlikely to feel so fresh on. When she is informed that her guardian will be paying her a visit in addition to the humiliation engendered by her appearance she is horrified by the way that woman will perceive her personal hygiene.

By now the shapeless pyjama bottoms no longer fit quite so loosely around her waist hips and bottom and despite any misgivings she may have regarding her blossoming figure she has at least cheered by the fact that she no longer has to continually struggle to keep them from falling around her ankles - something she would find particularly humiliating in front of her hated guardian. One can imagine the relief when she is reassured by the doctor that in return for some new level of co-operation she will be rewarded with a nice fresh crisp clean pair - then comes the dilemma. The good doctor lets slip that the only pair available in the girl's size are the ones she has one - the nice new clean pair she holds up in front of the girl are a good couple of sizes too large. If she wants to wear these in front of her visitor she can but with this privilege comes a price; she must bend for six strokes of the doctor's cane across her bare behind just prior to meeting her visitor. She must also accept the equally baggy and shapeless bloomers that come with the new pyjamas and which of course, like the pyjamas, are also devoid of waist elastic or any other method of fastening at the waist. She has been told many many times that pyjama cords, lengths of elastic and the like can present a danger to psychiatric patients - the implication is not lost on her and the tedium of having to constantly walk around holding up her pyjama trousers and now her underwear keeps that thought ever fresh and in the front of her mind. She has a choice but there is a deep element of humiliation attached to either. In addition there is the bitter humiliation of the meeting itself haunting her; she is told that she is to greet her guardian pleasantly and politely, she is to thank the woman for being kind enough to visit her, she had to say how well she is being looked after in the hospital and how thankful she is for being under the good doctor's care. She also has to recite in detail the long list of ways her therapy is benefiting her - a list ingrained by hour upon hour of tedious line writing impositions under the doctor's supervision - and how at home she is now beginning to feel in the institution. The latter is not entirely an untruth given her months of isolation and almost constant indoctrination at the hands of a skilled psychologist. Throughout, she is told, she must sit up straight with her hands on her head, listening without comment to everything her guardian has to say. If given certain papers and documents to sign she is to do so without question or hesitation. The doctor is going to be present throughout the visit and any failing on the girl's part will earn her six strokes of the doctor's cane across her bare buttocks in front of her visitor and another six strokes later on, once her visitor has left, followed by a prolonged period of isolation locked in the cramped little anteroom with just the hospital bed and desk for company..And a surprisingly subtle punishment of the doctor's own devising of which I shall say no more for fear of giving too much away.

See you later, folks. PS: don't forget, the beer drinkers amongst you, that is the London Beer Festival at Camden Town Hall on Wednesday Thursday and Friday of this week, though I'm not sure yet which day I shall attend.

Gym Suits, Punishment PT (see lower down entry) and an Update (see top of entry)

Hi folks I'm back on the air again. I performed the necessary transplant two nights ago - in fact just a few hours after posting up my last entry - and and I'm glad to be able to report that the replacement power unit is performing well and that no damage had occurred to any other part of the computer. I should qualify the latter, however, by saying that where I mention 'damage' I am referring to hardware damage and although MS Windows XP did not fret too much over having been 'unexpectedly shut down' - it is much better than earlier versions of MS Windows in that respect - it did completely mess up the way that I had my pair of monitors configured and also the way that the icons and folders etc were organised across the desktop. In addition the BIOS had reverted to its default settings; before the problem I had the CPU overclocked by around 30%. These are minor considerations of course. I'm grateful nothing worse had occurred and as for the latter clock speed issue; that the weight, for now it is not that important. For the culprit, see the above picture. No, the power unit case wasn't blown apart, I merely dismantled it to look for reassuring evidence that it was indeed the cause (or at least a symptom) - and found it in the form of signs of burning around the base of the two capacitors in the foreground (the contents of one of which had been distributed around the inside of the case in the form of a finely-powdered fallout) and charring to the circuit board in the centre, which admittedly cannot be seen from the photograph (below, left).

Yesterday was largely swallowed up by gym work, my driving lesson and family obligations although I did fit in three coffee bar breaks through the day during which a managed a little work on my 'netbook' computer. The day before, the day after the repair, after ascertaining that all was now running correctly I dealt with the issue regarding my printer/ scanner which had been ongoing since the problem I encountered earlier in the year with one of the computer's cooling fans (or drooling fans, as my voice recognition software package would have it; ha ha!). That particular incident also involved MS Windows being unexpectedly shut down (several times) and as the aforementioned peripheral had not been switched on at the time I hadn't suspected any hardware complication. And so it turned out; simply reloading the 'drivers' solved the problem. So there you have it -In short; I am now fully operational again, in all respects.

Gym Suits, Punishment PT and Restrictive School Uniforms

Today I expect to mostly spend, after posting up this update, catching up on dictating the body of hand written work that has built up although a part of me wants to get back to the scanning project I had running in the background. Part of the reason for this is that the day before yesterday, the day after the repair, I spent a little time poking, prodding and probing around some of the more obscure nooks and crannies of the Internet looking for inspiration for a piece involving punishment PT (or enforced physical exercise, or whatever) that I am working on for the new book and of course Janus magazine famously published a nice little series dealing with just that, back in the 80s as well as one or two other photo series that ran along similar lines (such as one involving ballerinas in training I seem to remember). I realise that by now many of these pictures may be available elsewhere on the net but as I haven't come across many myself and as I hope to elicit inspiration and ideas from those that read this blog, I am keen to get a few pics pasted up. As regards my writing, though, I have been (and am) looking for ideas as an alternative to the well worn and hackneyed leotard or the concept of naked PE - the latter, as appealing as it might be, I don't think fits in with the spirit of the series story arc. Consequently I'm looking for the unusual and as always I have been pillaging from the past. One thing I've come up with is the concept of the 'gym suit'; I just think that it fits in nicely with the idea of anachronistic and extraordinarily restrictive school uniforms, petty stipulations, 'no talking' rules and all the rest. One has to take into account that, unlike previous periods in history, the modern miss is not universally that reluctant to disrobe to a lesser or greater degree and that exposure, in itself, is no longer necessarily that shaming. One also has to take into account that in such an institution as laid out in INSTITUTIONALISED volume 1 and INSTITUTIONALISED volume 2 or indeed in any situation in which the young lady concerned is effectively isolated from her peers - perhaps subject to home-schooling with private tutors and the like and either alone or with others being similarly trained - the usual conventions of society as regards dress need no longer apply. One can fully exercise one's imagination; and the more unusual the outcome the better as regards the effects on the young lady or ladies.

If one takes the gym suit (above right) as it stands as being just a basic template, then one can start to visualise the effects of incorporating certain features and choice of fabrics. For example, even as it stands, although it is true that the bottom is well covered, the bloomer-style legs allow scope for leaving the back of the thighs available, allowing the young woman to be encouraged in her exertions by the application of the palm of the hand or the riding crop. Then there is possibly a humiliating element already inherent in the design of the garment in that it has a passing resemblance to a childish romper suit and perhaps more could be made of this aspect - for example as it stands is plenty of room to allow for the inclusion of a diaper and plastic pants beneath - although personally I would concentrate on enhancing the snugness of fit. Finally although, as admitted, the buttocks are modestly covered and therefore protected to some degree, this protection could be ameliorated to some degree by an imaginative choice of fabric or a tweaking of the design while still maintaining that element of modesty that, juxtaposed with the situation within which the garment is worn, ironically adds to the element of humiliation.

Well, there you have it, the bare bones of an idea. Now, anyone out there suitably inspired to flesh out those bones? Or do you envisage your young ladies bending and jumping and sweating in sheer close fitting leotards or as naked as the day they were born? Don't be shy in letting me know your thoughts, ideas and criticisms; it is what this blog is supposed all about.

Nurses and Straitjackets

For once here in London the sun is shining. I am wiriting to you from outside the Woodgreen Wetherspoon pub 'Spouter's Corner' where I am sitting bathing in the rays and imbibing a pint of 'Fortyniner' in what they laughingly refer to as their 'beer garden' - in reality a roped-off area of pavement just yards from roaring buses, screaming sirens and the mutterings of assorted passing druggies and other nutters. While we are on the subject of mental health issues; my mind has recently turned to the idea of the helplessness that is associated with incarceration in a straitjacket, especially if the young lady concerned should have her tender backside bared for the attention of the nurse's cane or tawse. I have to admit to being aided in fantasy by this wondrous series of pics recently sent me anonymously via email. I am led to believe that they originated on Flikr (hope I spelled that right) and so I hope I am not treading on anyone's toes by posting them up here. Apparently they are from a series of stills taken from a music video - but that is about all I know at present and I don't have time to search through Flikr to learn more. Not that i would want to - I have absolutely no idea of the story-line depicted here, and that is exactly the way I would prefer to keep it. I know what I would like to think about it, One's imagination fills in the gaps, which is as it should be and is also what makes the series such a powerful source of inspiration. Absolutely anything can be attributed to these images and what more could one ask? One thing that I know for sure is that it has certainly got me scribbling away like crazy!!

Interviews and Interrogations

Hi Folks, I'm still here, stuck in Eastbourne which is why the blog updates are still so sparse. As always I'm continuing writing but various family duties have taken up a lot of time of late. Today I had to remove a link from the blog-list in the right-hand sidebar. Google chrome was flagging up the link to the blog ‘Paolo in Dublin’ as having ‘content embedded likely to cause damage to a computer’ or something along those lines. I have uncovered a couple more interesting sites while having a hunt around the Internet this morning, the most interesting of which is probably 3D Kink (click to visit) which is full of 3-D rendered images and that has an interesting feature whereby one may design their own ‘ slave girl ’ or whatever. I also hit pay-dirt in my quest for images to inform a suitable role model for the governess figure who will emerge in INSTITUTIONALISED volume 3 in the form of this nice little vintage set here. And now back to a little writing;

.....

I have been working on a little scene involving a rigidly disciplined probing question-and-answer session between attractive female psychiatrist and her young charge - the formal white-coated, the latter dressed in a hot and particularly restrictive school uniform.

.....

Perched on a narrow, hard-seated, straight-backed wooden chair our young lady is of course obliged herself to sit rigidly straight backed throughout, admonished for fidgeting and picked up on for the slightest discrepancy or inconsistency between answers to questions that are apparently endless worded almost as if to deliberately trip her up. It is not the first time she has had to sit through such a tedious and punishing interview nor will it be her last - the sessions are repeated over and over and will be until such a time that the therapist is satisfied that all answers given are consistent and that she therefore wheedled out every little nuance of her patient’s hidden thoughts and has her subconscious lying open at her fingertips. Obviously the girl wishes to keep hidden anything that she believes might count against her, especially insofar as her remaining in the institution she now finds herself, but there is a long supple length of rattan lying across the doctor's desktop that begs to differ.

Filmic Inspiration, a Blog and a YouTube Link

Hi folks! I'm glad to be able to report that work on the new volume (that I am still yet to come up with a title for - any ideas folks?) is coming on in leaps and bounds. Some great, new and decidedly fresh ideas have popped into my head of late - all suitably cruel, as I'm sure you can imagine, but in a subtle way that I think somehow becomes even more twisted for being so. The only problem I have at the moment

is that, having successfully repaired my home computer, as am sure you know, I've yet to persuade it to co-operate with my printer / scanner. I'm not sure what the problem is but I am away from home at the moment anyway and I won't be back at my desk

until Monday or Tuesday of next week so the fix will have to wait until

that time - and then hopefully I can get on with scanning more of my magazine and book collection for your delectation and delight. I am also absolutely dying to get on with some artwork for the front cover of the new volume - it's one of my favourite bits when doing this stuff, although I'm not that great at it. One thing I have decided upon is that the imagery should incorporate some sort of parochial theme as between the pages we are afforded an insight into a church-run charity home for wayward young women. I will say no more than that for the time being, other than to say that we do also get another glimpse or two into a certain behavioural research unit, specifically that part set up a run in the style of an old-time secure reform school or boarding school but mostly the story deals with young Lavinia's life with her increasing tyrannical aunt and that woman's idiosyncratic views on domestic discipline. Basically it deals with the events leading up to her being persuaded to volunteer as a research subject in a project that she is told will involve her staying for a 'short while' in the experimental psychology unit of a private hospital. As you will know if you have read INSTITUTIONALISED volume 1 and volume 2, it is all pretty much as described to her, give or take, other than that the researcher's view of what constitutes a 'short while' differs some what to her expectations. And it is not a place one just walks away from. We also see something more of the background of one of the other characters who emerged during the events of volume 2, young Meridith Hewson.

Talking of reform schools; am I the only person in the whole world who had never heard of the B&W 1929 film ' Diary of a Lost Girl' by G.W.Pabst and starring Louise Brooks (See above left?. In it an "unprepossessing young woman is seduced by an unscrupulous and mercenary character". She is then sent to a reform school for girls, that seems less "an institute of higher learning than a conduit for fulfilling the headmistress’s sadistic sexual fantasies" and that is headed by staff who expect and exact "unrealistic standards of obedience from the cowering, terrified pupil" one in particular apparently seems to derive "an orgiastic pleasure from the rigors of [the] discipline inflicted". Sounds bloody gorgeous!!

By the way; is punishment PT / enforced PE and physical drill discipline is your thing? It is? Great! then click on the film poster top left to see a clip from the above movie posted on YouTube. You can also find a link to the same film clip in the useful resources list in the right-hand sidebar. The pictures scattered around this posting came from various sources on the web and all from the film other than the last one which comes from an entirely different source (actually the French film, Alphavillel). This I included simply because I think it would make a good basis for a suitable reformatory uniform, certainly a good starting point to work around anyway, particularly for the inmates of the type of old-fashioned style church-run regime that I envisage in the new volume. In the behavioural research establishment of course the regime is more closely based around an old-fashioned private girls school, though the discipline imposed is no less rigorous, despite the inmates theoretically being 'volunteers' and there were talking all high, tight starched collars, cotton interlock knickers and tightly braided pigtails.

Oh! I almost forgot: I have just added a blog to the blog list in the sidebar called 'School Girl Discipline'. Click to visit or see the link in the sidebar. See you next time.

A Kind Comment Received and a Bit about the Next Book

As a comment to my last posting ‘Orage’ wrote: “Garth,
I've finished reading ‘Institutionalised part 2’ and words fail me to express admiration! The book is absolutely riveting. Your minute description of the girl's garments when she's in the car was enough to make me sweaty all over.
You're so knowledgeable you could write an outstanding study for a university doctorate. But God forbid! Much better to leave us on tenterhooks waiting for part 3.”

I was about to reply with a comment of my own when I realised what a chance it presents to outline something of the book I'm presently working on - the in-betweeny volume, as I call it as a working title. So I thought I would paste up my reply as if a full-blown blog entry, pretty much in the style that I had begun writing it - so here goes:

Ah! Well, you see I already have a university doctorate, albeit something to do with cows losing their marbles. Thanks for the kind comments, it all helps keep me going. Anyone having gotten to the end of volume 2 would have got some flavour of the direction volume 3 will be headed when I get round to writing it (some small part of it is already completed to some degree - and perhaps as much as three-quarters of it exists already in my mind’s eye). First of all though I want to finish the book I'm working on as it is perhaps as much as two thirds completed on paper. It sort of fits in between volumes 2 and 3 - as I've said before – and covers the period in Lavinia's life when, while in conflict with her Guardian, she is taken under the wing of the woman she comes to call Aunt.

We follow step-by-step Lavinia's path as she is introduced, first to that woman's psychotherapist friend and then gradually to a life of increasingly restrictive discipline and the acceptance of corporal punishment by way of the strap and the cane. We see her persuaded to sign up, as a volunteer clinical research subject, to a project being run under the auspices of a private psychiatric hospital in that institution’s very secluded and very secure experimental psychology unit - itself embedded deep within the hospital's secure wing – where she is to join a small group of girls living in an environment that has been set up approximating to a private boarding school from a bygone age. It all sounds very cosy - all ‘jolly hockey sticks’ and midnight feasts, straight out of The Girl's Own Annual circa 1955 - and so she is completely unprepared for the strict discipline, mind-numbing tedium, demeaning treatment, corporal and psychological punishment and near constant humiliation that she encounters there. Little wonder then that she should seek to leave as soon as possible; but as we have seen in volume to leaving that particular research project is not such an easy option.

We also get a further glimpse into the previous life of one Meredith Hewson and gain insight into the works of a church-run charitable institution only vaguely alluded to in volume 2. Set up in the nineteenth century to care for ‘young women likely to drift into moral peril’ - its remit: to house, employ, keep secure and keep safe such ‘waifs’ from their own harm - vouchsafed beyond the scope of prying eyes and with a nefarious, if nebulous, connection to the aforementioned psychiatric hospital, its work continues today in much the same vein as it did then. Behind its austere portals, the runaways, the lost hopefuls, toil in penance to the Lord and are educated in equal measure - albeit within the limited scope deemed suitable for such girls by 19th-century values; parochial and scholastic discipline intermingle with hypocrisy and ambiguous motive.

Later some of the loose ends are tied up and gaps filled in when we learn something of what happened after young Lavinia made her bid for freedom after her psychological assessment as seen in volume 2. Finally we are given some insight into the mindset of a certain Ms Julia Soames as she prepares to receive back Susan Stringer from the research clinic for the summer months, before deciding - upon consultation with her psychotherapist acquaintance - that it might be advantageous for all concerned if young Susan was to pass the summer living under the care of a professional governess and her nursery-nurse assistant in the secluded country home of a certain titled woman in North Norfolk. And at this point we will of turned full circle and be set up for volume 3 with the necessity for flashbacks etc now negated.

Throughout, though, I'm cognisant of the need to try to avoid repetition as much as possible, in the manner that the work of another author was criticised in a comment appended to an earlier posting on this site. And therein lies the trial of course.

More on Admission Procedures and Institutionalised Punishment

Once again I find myself a little strapped for time. I have to rush out to get on with one or two shores related to preparations for Christmas but I shall be taking my net book computer with me so hopefully I will be doing a little writing later on somewhere, perhaps in a pub with any luck! There has been some interesting correspondence going on via the comments sections attached to my last few posts over the last couple of days, including the contribution of some very interesting and useful links, all of which I shall report on next time. An anonymous contributor has apparently been greatly taken with the subject of admission procedures, as portrayed in the reader's letter that I scanned in from an old copy of Janus I found my collection. As I said before, this was a subject broached any times over the years in the Janus reader’s letters pages, played a pivotal role in developing and forming my interests as they are today and in retrospective view provided a rich vein which I have unashamedly mined quite extensively in developing some of the ideas I have incorporated (and continue to develop) in my INSTITUTIONALISED story arc. Anyway, over the weekend, while rummaging through my old suitcase-cum-treasure chest in a spare moment, I came across a fascinating firsthand account of life in a 1930s institution that I remember reading way back in the 1980s and that my mind has often flashback to in developing my storylines. I have truncated it somewhat, as it is rather long and also moves away from my particular areas of interest, to include those sections that were personally most influential at the time and that endured in the back of my mind to be refined, redeveloped and incorporated into the little (and not so little) tableaux I would conjure in fantasy. See you soon - meanwhile why not have a trawl through the comments sections and join in; all ideas and contributions are most gratefully welcomed.

And the birched Schoolgirl? Nothing to do with the letter's contents whatsoever, it's just that the birch seems to me an appropriate form of institutional corporal punishment for that era. I can't envisage it in the home environment, even in the hands of a stern governess, but within the confines of a suitably secure punitive institution...that's another matter entirely. It is not a form of correction I would imagine would be found wielded by the medical staff, the nurses and matron, populating the secure experimental psychology unit that we visit in INSTITUTIONALISED volumes 1 and 2, but behind the walls of a charitable church-run shelter for girls deemed in moral danger... Well, who knows?

Web Problems and Admission Procedures

I am just Sooo knackered this evening. I have been slaving away decorating my aged mother's bathroom - sanding the ceiling - and a huge chunk of yesterday was whittled away dealing with an Internet access problem that had had me up half the previous night. Basically what had happened was that, although I could access the 'net and use Google to perform searches, I could not read my email nor could I access my own blog. Obviously I though that the broadband connection was OK as I could use Google (and other search engines) - it was only procedures requiring the entry of user name and password that were affected. And as the fault had occurred virtually immediately following a computer crash, my first assumption was that it was due to some sort of file corruption. Then I suspected a virus and then - having used another computer to link via my router and encountered the same problem - I started to suspect the router firewall. Having failed to find any problem with the settings of said device, I decided to reset it to its factory preset conditions and then reconfigure to suit my ISP's (Internet Service Provider's) connection conditions...Disaster!!!! Now I had no broadband at all!!! Having been up half the night pulling my hair out (human hair wig, anyone? Also makes good pillow stuffing! ) on liaising with my ISP it turned out I had entered part of my user ID incorrectly but all else was OK (it is what comes of being dyslexic --- loud scream!!! Now I had Internet, but still the initial problem persisted. I had observed during my diagnosis that my download speed was some 60% up on what I would ordinarily expect and to cut a long story short; this speed hike turned out to be a mistake on behalf of my ISP and upon my suggestion that they try returning the speed to the usual data rate, normal service was resumed. They could not explain why the download speed had been increased (not that I would normally complain) but more importantly; they had no idea as to how it could have caused the observed fault (bumping up the speed again, just out of interest, caused the problem to return) so go figure!!!

Now to turn to the business of the day. Having been 'IT-crippled' for a while I had been getting on with a bit of scanning (I have also been doing a little writing as well, so don't despair - I even got a few hundred words fitted in today, while relaxing with a coffee). And working through a good o'l copy of Janus, I came across a letter on a favorite subject gracing that periodical's letter pages through the 1980s, admission procedures - one of many that I can still recall to some degree and that influenced the direction of my writing. And what better illustration to go with any discussion bordering on the institutional scenario than this little classic from the golden age of the Blushes magazine stable (another newly-rediscovered treasure-trove item from my collection) - see right... Probably one of the most influential images of all time, in terms of my developing my viewpoint and the atmosphere I try to portray in my writing. See Y'all Monday! (By which time I hope to have, at last, made some significant progress in writing the new volume - its all been 'dribs and drabs' of late)...Though I might just get the chance to post something on Saturday - so don't write me off just yet!

Referring to Written Impositions, a Link

Anonymous has left a new comment on the post "Keeping Grown Women in School Uniform..." (see last entry) but as much as anything referring to the delicious subject of written impositions (see for example the entry I posted on this subject back in September - Click HERE to read). He writes: "I hope in INSTITUTIONALISED volume 3 we will see the women kept terribly busy on mind-numbing tedious tasks such as copying out the entire Bible in their finest handwriting, or spending time doing lines and dictionary copying. The corner is god for a woman but she also needs to write for many hours a day. "

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Well, I can assure 'anonymous' that I have very many such tasks and impositions lined up for them. I have already said that I believe that in the context of the sort of institutionalised environment outlined in volumes 1 and 2 that such tasks as copying out a meaningful text such as the Bible would be deemed to embody too great an element of genuine educational value - ie they could well find interest and distraction in such a task. In such an environment some sort of dictation - to be taken down in their finest copperplate hand and the content of which they are obliged to learn verbatim despite it being nonsensical - is the order of the day. Although the term 'learning' is used here, the institution will of course have gone out of its way to ensure that there is no avenue through which anything might be gained of genuine educational benefit to the young ladies, or that might provide any relief from the tedium of the unit's strict disciplinary regime. It is for that reason that I endorse in the new book (the one that will fit between volumes two and three) the idea of their learning sets of deliberately incorrect and fabricated multiplication tables - they must concentrate fully on their task if they are to escape corporal punishment, thus they are denied the escape of daydream or fantasy in freeing them from the psychological impoverished environment of the 'schoolroom', yet benefit not one iota from the task. In the domestic setting to be outlined in volume 3, however, there is much scope for copying out suitably complex yet tedious texts, as suggested.

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All this has just reminded me; if such as above is your bag then you really must visit the 'Winterbrook Hall blog, that I have mentioned previously. There is the most fabulous piece of writing there - easily the best example of the use of written impositions, corporal punishment and schoolroom discipline I think I have ever read to date. Click HERE to visit / read. By the way; the image above right I have just been anonymously sent via email - origin unknown but it looks like another one of Thorn's to me, judging by the style.

More on Non-Corporal Punishment / Discipline

As promised: here are a few more page scans dealing with the intriguing subject of written impositions and other forms of non-corporal punishment and discipline - of which I prefer to focus on the latter. Click to enlarge and read. I will be adding some more commentary later today, when i am ensconced in the local coffee bar, it's just that it is easier to upload the images from home. Note that I do know than one of these pages I have uploaded before (page 50) (click HERE to read the previous posting and page scans from this series) but I have repeated it here for completeness and to make it easier to read through the whole thing.

I have also finally found the scan of the cover which I had mislaid so you can see the tomb that these pages were taken from. As I have said before; this is not one of my works - but I kind of wish it was, it is brilliantly written (I think)!

Note too that the term 'child' here is meant as a deliberately derogatory term and that the regimens outlined here are intended (and most suitable) for use with recalcitrant young ladies in their late teens or even early twenties residing certain private institutions or under the tutelage of a governess at home.

Non-Corporal Punishment, Written Impositions and a Trip Back to The West End

I had hoped to upload some more scans today - as outlined in my last posting - but typically I have been scuppered. I have to travel back to London's West End again - more specifically, to New Oxford Street. The reason? Although the new 'Net Book' computer I purchased yesterday worked well enough (though I still have to really get to grips with it) upon my arrival at home, when I went to put it on charge, I discovered the mains lead for its charger to be missing...AAAARRRGGH!!!! The scans would take a while to upload and I am in a bit of a rush. But as they were to be of pages of text on the subject of non-corporal punishment and discipline - punitive and procedural written impositions et al - and taking into account the comment I mentioned in my last communication, I thought I would quickly post up a couple of snippets of my own stuff from the new volume I have been working on (the prequel / in-between volume I have told you about in the past). It is all at a very early stage, you must understand, but hopefully you'll get a flavour - it needs a lot more work!

PS: I have also added a new blog I have just come across to the sidebar blog list. Called The Headmaster's study, you can reach it by clicking on the pic above right or check out the sidebar blog role.

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A Couple of Snippets

...she was to copy out a multiplication table; it was totally spurious and being purely of the research workers’ devising, bore scant resemblance to any truth or logic. The detailed make up of each such table she would subsequently be obliged to learn would be just as random - being computer-generated. In this way with each imposition or learning task having virtually guaranteed mutual exclusivity from any previous work, there was nothing that might constitute a pattern that could be discerned and that might allow the more astute girl to benefit from her previous impositions by easing the take up and recall of the new.

Rote learning and recital were the key principles in force here. Though those faceless individuals in charge of the place, on setting up the regime, would have known only too well that such ritualistic learning by memorizing was not the optimal learning method, since it focuses only on the transfer of information and misses the purpose of learning, it mattered not. Learning was not of primary concern here in any case. The true raison d'être, as with everything else this small, select unhappy band of young women were exposed to - be it the cruel social seclusion of the no talking rule, the personality-submerging restriction of the stifling and humiliatingly juvenile school uniform or the seemingly ever more petty and never-ending lists of rules and regulations which had to be adhered to and repeated verbatim at the drop of a hat – was discipline, pure and simple.

And that requirement for discipline was served well by the need to keep up, to concentrate; not only on recording the dictation, but doing so without recourse to correction - and while maintaining a near perfect copper-plate hand. It denied even the brightest among them sufficient pause as to press into employment any learning and recall strategies she might have picked up through her past academic endeavours. Indeed, there was insufficient mental freedom allowed them as to consider anything else; it kept them grounded within their physical surrounds, the escape of daydreams, of imagination, of wonder, was barred them at every turn.

To young Lavinia Vitesse none of this was entirely new, of course. But even so, there had been changes-a-plenty in her absence, far reaching changes, changes going far beyond the outward appearance of the girls themselves – though the new uniform was a drastic enough departure in itself...

...“Ok, girls, fingertips on shoulders, elbows smartly out to the sides. Not like that, 16S, you stupid girl! That's better, elbows right back, nice and tight. Now, class, I'm glad to report that every one of you finally managed to get through your multiplication tables successfully in the last session. There were one or two stumbles and corrections, to be sure, but generally I'm satisfied that you finally have them drummed into those thick heads of yours.”

Six pairs of wide eyes stared fixedly ahead, locked on to the white board or more accurately, the long, thin, tapering cane that hung along side it; near-on one and one half metres of whippy white-plastic perfection, capable, under expert wielding, of a finely resolved and graduated chastisement, from the faintest, stingily-pink, lines, through raised and purpling wheals of throbbing agony to the actual splitting of velvet peach pink flesh, drawn drum-tight through hairpin-bent, ankle-grasping and straight-legged stance...

Commentaries, Comments, Opinions & Proof Reading

Hi, I'm hard at work at adding the finishing touches to volume 2 - having already been to the gym first thing this morning. The sun is shining and I am (for once) in a buoyant mood. My level of enthusiasm for work is high today, due in no little way to having received some very kind and encouraging comments as regards volume 1 and also having received (from the same source) a very promising piece of work indeed, to read through and feed back upon - something I am always more than happy to do. At this point I have managed to constrain myself to having just glanced at the first paragraph or so and as I say; it looks very promising indeed, very much right up my tree. And thus the enthusiasm towards my own work today - I have set out with the intention of holding back on reading the entire peace until I have completed the tasks I have planned for myself (something that is going to require more than a modicum of self-control - I looks to be a fascinating piece of work and I'm very excited by the prospect of reading it). To be honest, one of the reasons I started writing in the first place - as you will know if you read this blog regularly - was in the hope that others would take up on my ideas and be simulated to write the sort of thing that I would love to read for myself and that I had always hoped to find on some dusty bookshelf somewhere or some unloved corner of the Internet universe. And what I have been sent promises to be all that and more! So there you have it - a little reward I have promised myself at the end of the day.

On the subject of commentaries and comments; another anonymous contributor has left a new and fascinating comment on the previous post "Dietary Discipline, Harassment Therapy & Sexual Reorientation – A Reader’s Account Revisited (Part 2) (Click here to read the comment) or go to the bottom of the article and click on link - it really is worth reading: There is a part about a hapless young woman being placed under legal guardianship and thus placed quite legally under the authority of another, that, being directly related to one of the events occurring in the upcoming INSTITUTIONALISED volume 2, very much belongs under the heading of 'truth stranger than fiction'!

Dietary Discipline, Harassment Therapy & Sexual Reorientation – A Reader’s Account Revisited (Part 2)

Coming under the general banner of 'Truth Stranger than Fiction' here is the second part of a reader's personal account in which she answers a series of questions that I posed – so I guess that makes it an interview, of sorts (Illustration represents the form of punishment baths eluded to in the writer's previous accounts). (Click here to read part one) ... (click here to read the correspondent's original letter).

Dietary Discipline and Sexual Aversion Therapy – An account: Part Two

Eventually, some time after being committed, I learned that I had been classified as a 'predatory lesbian' - or is it 'aggressive lesbian'? I forget the exact phrase that my therapist used - but it meant a lesbian who recruited and perverted innocent young straight girls into lesbianism. It certainly didn't properly describe me, but the label, and the fears behind it, explained why society was anxious to cure me, or failing that, put me in a place where I could not pervert the greater masses of young womanhood.

It wasn't until recently that I began to understand how this mis-diagnosis might have occurred. They had asked me who initiated the kiss and I had refused to say. If they had also asked Caroline and she had lied then my silence may have been seen as the next best thing to a confession. Goose cooked." But back to your questions (in italics - Garth):

"Particularly interesting to me (and I think, the readers out there) was all the disciplinary procedures and petty rules you mentioned regarding food chewing and swallowing etc - as regards the nurse/therapist using touch to either cheek or the chin to control the patient. presumably overtime this would have a conditioning effect on the subject. As regards the latter I would be most interested to learn whether spoken orders were given to accompany the signals, or perhaps they were initially but were no longer required after some time?"

"From my own experience, and from observing others, we were given initial instructions on what we must do, but after that verbal communication was kept to a minimum, and, if required, would usually result in demerits. Now, admittedly, the nurses were more lenient with the 'regular' patients on the ward who were generally less able, and in some cases, very much less able, to follow instructions. But the 'deviants' on the ward were expected to understand and obey after being instructed one time. Interestingly, some of the bibs incorporated a kind of hood that would go over the patient's head, but left the mouth uncovered - and these bibs had instructions printed on them in the appropriate places to assist the nurses in remembering the correct instructions. However they were rarely used - perhaps because the nurses needed no such reminder or perhaps more likely because they liked to be able see our faces as we ate - ensuring that we kept our expressions impassive and our eyes downcast - looking at the 'food' yet to be eaten. Showing any form of distaste or emotion during our 'meals' was a serious infraction.

The nurses, on the other hand, usually wore surgical masks while they were feeding us, and I have often wondered whether this somehow reduced the food's unpleasant odour or whether it was just one more way in which they reduced communication - you cannot see the nurse's facial expression when she is wearing a surgical mask. Not that we were allowed to look at the nurses directly anyway, but . . .

Additionally we were required to always breathe through our noses instead of our mouths. This was especially true while we were eating - something we found irksome because the smell was often quite unpleasant and it smelt even worse when we used our noses."

"The use of the metronome I found very interesting; in my mind's eye I can see a line of girls all chewing in unison to the tick-tock rhythm - perhaps glassy eyed?"

"I never saw this happen though I think it's something they might have implemented if there had been enough nurses to feed us all at the same time. Of course if they had allowed us to feed ourselves then it might have been practicable - and maybe they could have implemented it for those not on a strict feeding regimen - i.e. those that did feed themselves. As it was, feeding for those of us on a feeding regimen tended to be staggered, with just one or two of us being fed at a time. But speaking of the metronome - I wish that it had been used all the time because it was hard to keep the proper rhythm without it. Firstly we had to maintain a constant rhythm throughout and secondly the rhythm had to be the same as the standard set by the metronome - something hard to remember after a week or two. But thirdly you had to hope that the nurse was also correctly assessing your rhythm - something I am quite sure they didn't always do, resulting in undeserved demerits. And eating demerits could result in a more strict eating regimen and/or less desirable foodstuffs. My biggest problem was eating in a smooth manner - and remembering to count at the same time. Since the required rhythm was a bit slower than my normal manner of eating I tended to close may jaw, pause, open my jaw and then pause again. This was considered unsatisfactory - the required movement was more fluid - close your jaw slowly, open your jaw slowly. No pauses, just a slow and fluid motion - but something that I had the greatest trouble perfecting. But as they say, practice makes perfect - eventually.

If we were lucky we were allowed to drink from a straw - but the nurses also had contraptions that could be fastened in our mouths and drained water (or other liquids) into us from a small overhead feed. They also had syringe-like instruments that could flood us with large quantities of liquid up squirted directly up our noses - another very unpleasant procedure that ensured that we tried to please the nurses who were already agitated by the tedium of feeding us.

"As far as you are able to recall; was hypnosis in any form of the used?"

"No - not that I ever saw, though other girls may have been hypnotised during their therapy sessions. But I have no way to know. Of course it's possible that I was hypnotised and have no memory of it, but I have no reason to think so. Do you have reason to think that it might have been a normal procedure - and what might it do?" What do you think, reader's? Garth.

"In terms of lesbianism was aversion therapy of any form used? On the other hand, considering the manipulated results and dubious diagnosis was any possibility of an experimental use of 'negative' therapy being given? Here I am drawing a parallel with the so-called 'monster study' that I've talked about in the blog and in which (in the 1930s) speech deficits were deliberately induced using a mixture of suggestion and constant reinforcement by therapists and teachers (a potentially useful tool for overcoming stubborn argumentative resistance in the initial stages of a strict disciplinary regime)."

"Yes. The use of aversion therapy to change my sexual orientation was the central point of the program. At the time it was talked about as if it were an established procedure, but in retrospect I see that it was probably still quite experimental and we might well have been guinea pigs as much as patients.

Although I have always had a general understanding of the objectives and methods used in aversive conditioning programs, such as the one I was involved in, I have only taken an active interest in researching it since finding your blog. Basically the idea is that our behaviour can be changed by the use of aversives (unpleasant stimuli). In contrast to the monster study, as I understand it, the aversives are physical and not at all dependent upon human interaction. Thus, aversives, such as electric shocks and drugs to induce nausea are applied in the presence of the 'bad' behaviour. There was no positive reinforcement in my program, though I do have some vague recollection that some (probably more recent) sexual orientation programs have included positive reinforcement by including pictures of 'appropriate' sexual relations, presumably without the unpleasant stimuli.

There were two main aversives that I remember. Electric shocks and drugs to induce nausea, Electric shocks and the nausea inducing drugs seem to feature heavily in the literature and I also remember hearing about the use of rotting placenta as an unpleasant odour - not in my study, but another, so it sounds as if there was some variation in the aversives used. I imagine that the particular aversive is not as important as that it be 'unpleasant', and presumably the more unpleasant the better.

I have read a number of papers that talk about the use of aversives for correction of sexual deviance and they all talk as if the electric shock is little more than an annoyance, but I can vouch for the fact that, at least in my case, the shocks were sufficiently strong to cause extreme pain and caused me to pass out on many occasions. The shocks were usually applied to my inner thighs, but other places were used too. Sometimes they were applied through the measurement instrument inserted in my vagina. It doesn't take much imagination to realize that applying shocks directly to the vagina is going to distort the 'response' of that organ - just another example of rank stupidity - or something. The nausea inducing drugs were not used so often - probably because I was kept gagged through most of these sessions and vomiting would have been dangerous. In fact, I was usually 'fasted' and forced to vomit up any stomach contents prior to each aversion session to avoid any possibility of vomiting.

There is one more thing that I wanted to clarify because I think I may have been guilty of somewhat misleading you. But I was still too embarrassed to be totally honest. To wit, there was slightly more to the initial calibration of my baseline than I let on. Very briefly, there was some intervention on the part of the staff. Specifically, Nurse ******* (one of the few names I remember), a very young and, I admit, extremely attractive nurse was tasked with bringing me to orgasm while I watched the slide-show of lesbian activity. Judging by her uniform I think she was still a student nurse. My introduction was very gradual and respectful, and it wasn't until what must have been our 10th session or so that I had my first orgasm. Then, over the course of another 10 sessions or so, with the continued 'assistance' of Nurse Aston, it seems that my baseline was established. She was quite 'proper' about it, and there was never anything as overt as taking clothes off. However she did put her tongue in my ear - very charmingly I might add, kiss me on the lips and use her fingers quite dexterously. I think it is probably safe to say that I developed an enormous crush on 'my' nurse and she, I'm sure, did everything she could to encourage my slavish adoration. I imagined her to be my friend (after all, I had no others) - and I'm sure she encouraged that thought too, though looking back there was little or no practical demonstration of it besides kindness. My adoration wasn't even diminished when I became aware of her giving the signal to begin the terrible electric shocks that always followed my orgasm - even during these baseline sessions. I imagine, that while they were anxious to measure my baseline, they were also anxious not to make the experience entirely pleasurable - or some such mixed up thinking. After all, I was there to be cured of lesbianism, not turned into one (but I have my doubts about that - Garth) - so they no doubt had to be a little careful.

After that she disappeared from my life for a while, which, I remember, upset me a great deal. I remember crying a good deal over it. When she returned into my life, many months later, now apparently a fully fledged nurse, my heart was fit to burst, but she quickly broke it into a trillion pieces. Her manner was incredibly cold and uncaring - and she made it clear that she despised me for my 'perversion', making it abundantly clear by words and actions, over and over again, that I had been an absolute fool and that she had [ cared for me not one jot]. Indeed she made it quite apparent that she had always despised me and that what she had done previously had 'made her sick.' That episode did more than anything to break me.

Today I wonder how much of it was deliberate. I can quite believe that my therapist decided to break my heart by assigning 'my' nurse to perform the operation. But I can't quite bring myself to believe that they had that eventual smashing of my heart in mind when they first assigned Nurse ***** to help me with my baseline. But a part of me wonders whether that might have been the plan all along. To cause me fall in love with her and then break my heart. If that is what happened then my therapist must have been the coldest and cruellest person on this earth.

My brief research shows that the broad category of 'behaviour therapy' is a large, varied, and interesting wilderness. For instance I was just taking another quick look to see if I could see a connection between 'my' program and the broader field of behaviour therapy when I came across an article about J.B. Watson who found that he could create phobias in children. Not very much like 'my' program, but indicative of the weirdness typical to the field."

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(The deliberate creation of phobias is one of the themes explored in volume 1 of INSTITUTIONALISED, as a method of control and to underline the imposition of a regime of strict discipline. After all, presented with a childish and humiliating school uniform and the guidance of the cane or strap and the alternative option of the open street door and the road beyond, a young lady afflicted with a particularly debilitating form of agoraphobia might well find her choice limited...or as I like to think of it in the context of the institutional environment – a prison within a prison, if you will - Garth) ...to be continued.