Coming under the general banner of 'Truth Stranger than Fiction' here is the second part of a reader's personal account in which she answers a series of questions that I posed – so I guess that makes it an interview, of sorts (Illustration represents the form of punishment baths eluded to in the writer's previous accounts). (
Click here to read part one) ... (
click here to read the correspondent's original letter).
Dietary Discipline and Sexual Aversion Therapy – An account: Part Two
Eventually, some time after being committed, I learned that I had been classified as a 'predatory lesbian' - or is it 'aggressive lesbian'? I forget the exact phrase that my therapist used - but it meant a lesbian who recruited and perverted innocent young straight girls into lesbianism. It certainly didn't properly describe me, but the label, and the fears behind it, explained why society was anxious to cure me, or failing that, put me in a place where I could not pervert the greater masses of young womanhood.
It wasn't until recently that I began to understand how this mis-diagnosis might have occurred. They had asked me who initiated the kiss and I had refused to say. If they had also asked Caroline and she had lied then my silence may have been seen as the next best thing to a confession. Goose cooked." But back to your questions (in italics - Garth):
"Particularly interesting to me (and I think, the readers out there) was all the disciplinary procedures and petty rules you mentioned regarding food chewing and swallowing etc - as regards the nurse/therapist using touch to either cheek or the chin to control the patient. presumably overtime this would have a conditioning effect on the subject. As regards the latter I would be most interested to learn whether spoken orders were given to accompany the signals, or perhaps they were initially but were no longer required after some time?"
"From my own experience, and from observing others, we were given initial instructions on what we must do, but after that verbal communication was kept to a minimum, and, if required, would usually result in demerits. Now, admittedly, the nurses were more lenient with the 'regular' patients on the ward who were generally less able, and in some cases, very much less able, to follow instructions. But the 'deviants' on the ward were expected to understand and obey after being instructed one time. Interestingly, some of the bibs incorporated a kind of hood that would go over the patient's head, but left the mouth uncovered - and these bibs had instructions printed on them in the appropriate places to assist the nurses in remembering the correct instructions. However they were rarely used - perhaps because the nurses needed no such reminder or perhaps more likely because they liked to be able see our faces as we ate - ensuring that we kept our expressions impassive and our eyes downcast - looking at the 'food' yet to be eaten. Showing any form of distaste or emotion during our 'meals' was a serious infraction.
The nurses, on the other hand, usually wore surgical masks while they were feeding us, and I have often wondered whether this somehow reduced the food's unpleasant odour or whether it was just one more way in which they reduced communication - you cannot see the nurse's facial expression when she is wearing a surgical mask. Not that we were allowed to look at the nurses directly anyway, but . . .
Additionally we were required to always breathe through our noses instead of our mouths. This was especially true while we were eating - something we found irksome because the smell was often quite unpleasant and it smelt even worse when we used our noses."
"The use of the metronome I found very interesting; in my mind's eye I can see a line of girls all chewing in unison to the tick-tock rhythm - perhaps glassy eyed?"
"I never saw this happen though I think it's something they might have implemented if there had been enough nurses to feed us all at the same time. Of course if they had allowed us to feed ourselves then it might have been practicable - and maybe they could have implemented it for those not on a strict feeding regimen - i.e. those that did feed themselves. As it was, feeding for those of us on a feeding regimen tended to be staggered, with just one or two of us being fed at a time. But speaking of the metronome - I wish that it had been used all the time because it was hard to keep the proper rhythm without it. Firstly we had to maintain a constant rhythm throughout and secondly the rhythm had to be the same as the standard set by the metronome - something hard to remember after a week or two. But thirdly you had to hope that the nurse was also correctly assessing your rhythm - something I am quite sure they didn't always do, resulting in undeserved demerits. And eating demerits could result in a more strict eating regimen and/or less desirable foodstuffs. My biggest problem was eating in a smooth manner - and remembering to count at the same time. Since the required rhythm was a bit slower than my normal manner of eating I tended to close may jaw, pause, open my jaw and then pause again. This was considered unsatisfactory - the required movement was more fluid - close your jaw slowly, open your jaw slowly. No pauses, just a slow and fluid motion - but something that I had the greatest trouble perfecting. But as they say, practice makes perfect - eventually.
If we were lucky we were allowed to drink from a straw - but the nurses also had contraptions that could be fastened in our mouths and drained water (or other liquids) into us from a small overhead feed. They also had syringe-like instruments that could flood us with large quantities of liquid up squirted directly up our noses - another very unpleasant procedure that ensured that we tried to please the nurses who were already agitated by the tedium of feeding us.
"As far as you are able to recall; was hypnosis in any form of the used?"
"No - not that I ever saw, though other girls may have been hypnotised during their therapy sessions. But I have no way to know. Of course it's possible that I was hypnotised and have no memory of it, but I have no reason to think so. Do you have reason to think that it might have been a normal procedure - and what might it do?" What do you think, reader's? Garth.
"In terms of lesbianism was aversion therapy of any form used? On the other hand, considering the manipulated results and dubious diagnosis was any possibility of an experimental use of 'negative' therapy being given? Here I am drawing a parallel with the so-called 'monster study' that I've talked about in the blog and in which (in the 1930s) speech deficits were deliberately induced using a mixture of suggestion and constant reinforcement by therapists and teachers (a potentially useful tool for overcoming stubborn argumentative resistance in the initial stages of a strict disciplinary regime)."
"Yes. The use of aversion therapy to change my sexual orientation was the central point of the program. At the time it was talked about as if it were an established procedure, but in retrospect I see that it was probably still quite experimental and we might well have been guinea pigs as much as patients.
Although I have always had a general understanding of the objectives and methods used in aversive conditioning programs, such as the one I was involved in, I have only taken an active interest in researching it since finding your blog. Basically the idea is that our behaviour can be changed by the use of aversives (unpleasant stimuli). In contrast to the monster study, as I understand it, the aversives are physical and not at all dependent upon human interaction. Thus, aversives, such as electric shocks and drugs to induce nausea are applied in the presence of the 'bad' behaviour. There was no positive reinforcement in my program, though I do have some vague recollection that some (probably more recent) sexual orientation programs have included positive reinforcement by including pictures of 'appropriate' sexual relations, presumably without the unpleasant stimuli.
There were two main aversives that I remember. Electric shocks and drugs to induce nausea, Electric shocks and the nausea inducing drugs seem to feature heavily in the literature and I also remember hearing about the use of rotting placenta as an unpleasant odour - not in my study, but another, so it sounds as if there was some variation in the aversives used. I imagine that the particular aversive is not as important as that it be 'unpleasant', and presumably the more unpleasant the better.
I have read a number of papers that talk about the use of aversives for correction of sexual deviance and they all talk as if the electric shock is little more than an annoyance, but I can vouch for the fact that, at least in my case, the shocks were sufficiently strong to cause extreme pain and caused me to pass out on many occasions. The shocks were usually applied to my inner thighs, but other places were used too. Sometimes they were applied through the measurement instrument inserted in my vagina. It doesn't take much imagination to realize that applying shocks directly to the vagina is going to distort the 'response' of that organ - just another example of rank stupidity - or something. The nausea inducing drugs were not used so often - probably because I was kept gagged through most of these sessions and vomiting would have been dangerous. In fact, I was usually 'fasted' and forced to vomit up any stomach contents prior to each aversion session to avoid any possibility of vomiting.
There is one more thing that I wanted to clarify because I think I may have been guilty of somewhat misleading you. But I was still too embarrassed to be totally honest. To wit, there was slightly more to the initial calibration of my baseline than I let on. Very briefly, there was some intervention on the part of the staff. Specifically, Nurse ******* (one of the few names I remember), a very young and, I admit, extremely attractive nurse was tasked with bringing me to orgasm while I watched the slide-show of lesbian activity. Judging by her uniform I think she was still a student nurse. My introduction was very gradual and respectful, and it wasn't until what must have been our 10th session or so that I had my first orgasm. Then, over the course of another 10 sessions or so, with the continued 'assistance' of Nurse Aston, it seems that my baseline was established. She was quite 'proper' about it, and there was never anything as overt as taking clothes off. However she did put her tongue in my ear - very charmingly I might add, kiss me on the lips and use her fingers quite dexterously. I think it is probably safe to say that I developed an enormous crush on 'my' nurse and she, I'm sure, did everything she could to encourage my slavish adoration. I imagined her to be my friend (after all, I had no others) - and I'm sure she encouraged that thought too, though looking back there was little or no practical demonstration of it besides kindness. My adoration wasn't even diminished when I became aware of her giving the signal to begin the terrible electric shocks that always followed my orgasm - even during these baseline sessions. I imagine, that while they were anxious to measure my baseline, they were also anxious not to make the experience entirely pleasurable - or some such mixed up thinking. After all, I was there to be cured of lesbianism, not turned into one (but I have my doubts about that - Garth) - so they no doubt had to be a little careful.
After that she disappeared from my life for a while, which, I remember, upset me a great deal. I remember crying a good deal over it. When she returned into my life, many months later, now apparently a fully fledged nurse, my heart was fit to burst, but she quickly broke it into a trillion pieces. Her manner was incredibly cold and uncaring - and she made it clear that she despised me for my 'perversion', making it abundantly clear by words and actions, over and over again, that I had been an absolute fool and that she had [ cared for me not one jot]. Indeed she made it quite apparent that she had always despised me and that what she had done previously had 'made her sick.' That episode did more than anything to break me.
Today I wonder how much of it was deliberate. I can quite believe that my therapist decided to break my heart by assigning 'my' nurse to perform the operation. But I can't quite bring myself to believe that they had that eventual smashing of my heart in mind when they first assigned Nurse ***** to help me with my baseline. But a part of me wonders whether that might have been the plan all along. To cause me fall in love with her and then break my heart. If that is what happened then my therapist must have been the coldest and cruellest person on this earth.
My brief research shows that the broad category of 'behaviour therapy' is a large, varied, and interesting wilderness. For instance I was just taking another quick look to see if I could see a connection between 'my' program and the broader field of behaviour therapy when I came across an article about J.B. Watson who found that he could create phobias in children. Not very much like 'my' program, but indicative of the weirdness typical to the field."
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The deliberate creation of phobias is one of the themes explored in volume 1 of INSTITUTIONALISED, as a method of control and to underline the imposition of a regime of strict discipline. After all, presented with a childish and humiliating school uniform and the guidance of the cane or strap and the alternative option of the open street door and the road beyond, a young lady afflicted with a particularly debilitating form of agoraphobia might well find her choice limited...or as I like to think of it in the context of the institutional environment – a prison within a prison, if you will - Garth) ...to be continued.
Hi folks; Its a so called 'Bank Holiday' here in the UK which basically means a few folk get Monday off of work (those lucky enough to still have jobs that is - unlike yours truly). It used to mean practically every one got the day off but nowadays a lot of folk still have to work - just as they now do on Sundays and every other day of the week (and year, before long, I'd wager!). Mind you; if that means the pubs are kept open, then I'm all for it! (but pubs are going down like flies too - crushed beneath the heel of the credit crunch). I was hoping to go to an antiques fair at Alexandra Palace today, but got dragged instead to help run a stool at a car-boot sale in Hertfordshire - a sort of casually arranged bric-a-brac sale usually held in a field wherein folk sell their old junk brought in their car's boot (automobile trunk - for all you State-side people). Now I'm back to the final stages of proofreading, while still considering whether to split volume 2 into two books - and if so - how much extra work, and thus time, that would entail. If I can do so, sensibly, inside one week, then I may still do so - as long as the split ends the first and begins the second part in a sensible way; and a way that makes the story enjoyable to follow on without confusion.
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